3:15 Meh

I received a missed call this afternoon. I was holding my phone, it was on silent, and if not for a split second glimpse of what I thought was a text message, I wouldn’t know it was an incoming call. It was so abrupt that it was obviously a call that the initiator did not intend to make. And it makes sense after I saw who it was from. It was from a number that I kept “just in case” until the end of the school year, which has been over for a month now. 

I am not sure who dialled my number, it could be the owner of that number or if not, could be someone snooping without permission. One thing that I can say I’m sure of is that my number was still in that phone. And this is what I find interesting. 

No, I did not feel any excitement with this incident  While a quick thought passed my mind - that maybe I will finally get the apology I deserved from last year’s disrespect - I quickly dismissed that idea. But I would like to leave it as perhaps remorse has come to commemorate an exact full year this weekend.

I can still forgive and I am confident it will not shake me anymore because I’ve cured that part of my brain already, thankfully. Then I’m just about to complete another one to end my current insanity. 

Storytelling time

 On their stop over at the usual shop on the way to their annual summer camping, she was happily browsing through the nice t-shirts and excitedly expressed it to her offspring. The teenager replied with a neutral tone “aren’t we here just to buy drinks?”. It hit her in the face like a dirty, wet rag that strangled her breath. When will she ever be ready to dodge this feeling? She’s had it numerous times already, and yet she still gets hurt. 

Let it crow! Let it crow! Let it crow!

 I’ve been practicing yoga for three years now and I still could not do the crow pose. My teacher says if we could hold the chataranga pose for at least six seconds (which I could) then it means we have enough strength to do crow and if we can’t it is probably the technique. 

In spite of that, at the back of ky kind I still tell kyself I don’t have enough arm strength but I read this post from an instructor who also said that crow is not about arm strength but balance. It took them ten years to do crow because of this misconception. So now I am determined to exert effort to do it too, hence I am writing this down to mark the start of my journey to achieving this goal. I can do this!!!

Take a shower

 This morning, right after waking up, took a shower. 

Then I felt much better, more normal, unlike yesterday when I almost felt like I was close to having an anxiety attack.

I feel like my head is clearer now. This morning I was thinking that maybe I am ready now to continue this friendship since I now realize how much ego I had which caused my over sensitive feelings. But then as of now, I am thinking that I would not do any effort anymore to nurture it, and I’ll just be passive. I mean, I won’t be initiating anything but I will acknowledge if I get asked first. Yeah, this makes me feel better rather than getting hung up with regret and wishing that it never started at all. Fate meant us to cross paths to teach me something and I think I have learned a few things already. 

It’s amazing how my mind can make up stories and convinced me that it could be true. I laughed at myself in realizing how ridiculous I was to come up with such an impossible scenario. Who do I think I am that I’d have such a power? I’m just an ordinary, forgettable person. How vain of me to think I could have a strong effect on someone. Nope.

So that’s it, I will just let this fizzle out since I can’t undo what I’ve started already. Let’s see. 

What’s the point?

 I wish I could turn back time and make a different decision. I still remember that exact moment when I had a quick debate on whether to be friendly or not and then the miss congeniality in me won and made that first move.

Now I feel like regretting the consequence of doing so because I am now so confused and getting more tired. I have been praying for guidance on this and perhaps I’ve been misinterpreting the signs? I mean the thing is, I am not sure what I am gaining from this situation I’ve put myself into because all I can see is what I am giving…and what I could give more. I got myself into this because I thought the universe is leading me to live an altruistic life, but then I am feeling scared now that I am letting myself be vulnerable to be taken advantage of. Am I being selfish to expect to get more from this than what I give?

I’m thinking of letting go but this also makes me feel bad because it would make my world feel smaller again. It also doesn’t help that I have the personality of not giving up easily that’s why I end up enduring the pain until my last threshold.

I just want to evaporate right now. I want to cry. 

So far so good 🤞🏽

Things turned out with a positive response today, thankfully!

So now the next thing I need to do is to learn how not to be jealous and start having expectations that I would be special like how my brain invented in my fantasies. I need to remind myself to keep grounded to reality. Likewise, I also need to ensure I don’t make things special and make imaginary connections that my mind just made up. That’s how I got in trouble last year that brought me to spiral down a deep pit. I don’t ever want to be in that state again. Never.

Tomorrow I am going to my much anticipated meditation retreat and I’m really counting on it to provide me the mental and emotional stability that I direly need. One of the teachings there is to love without getting attached, I hope to learn that so that I won’t ever have a broken heart.  

One more sleep

I think I did it? I’ve successfully restrained myself from making an insane move due to my overthinking. Even if I’m starting to have mind games again due to the radio silence for three days now, I think I got my thoughts in control and I will execute as to plan: tomorrow I will reach out since I have a valid and very safe reason to. My trauma from last year’s incident is giving me paranoia right now so I am trying to console myself that this is different because I am aware that I am not in pursuit of playing a game. I really genuinely am trying my best to retain just a friendship with who I believe is a good person. But of course, I am preparing myself for the worst, that is, a no response. Then I guess I would give it another chance for a couple of days and then I move on and charge it to experience as just another short encounter that was not meant to last long. I will have to accept whatever fate gives me since resistance is futile. But of course, there is also the chance that things might go well so…bon courage à moi!

Vivid lust

 Last night’s dream was so graphic and very emotional that I woke up with real tears flowing out from my closed eyes.

My brain was obviously having so much carnal thoughts that it had now created a realistic story using familiar characters (my High school classmates) to tell me that I should stop this insane desire I’ve been obsessing with. It was so pathetic to beg to be wanted. I did not deserve to be desperate. 

On a positive side, though, there was at least something hopeful with this dream - my group of friends tried to help me, in a way as how they understood my problem, but they got it wrong since they didn’t (and wouldn’t) think I was longing for something absurd. That’s the part where I completely broke down and sobbed out my hurting soul.  My salvation was realizing it wasn’t real as I regained consciousness and touched my face, wondering why my eyes were wet.

If I was still my old Catholic self, I would be taking a bath in holy water right now to wash away this sin. 

Random Thoughts Dump #2

 Well, I can’t really say these are random but I just have too many thoughts in my mind lately so I need to dump these out:

1) I went back to my first blog and realized that my first entry was a poem I wrote called « The Ghost ». I remembered a skeleton in my closet. I can’t believe now that that started me to blog. The next few entries were still from the closet and then lots more cheesyness, gosh I was so naive back then. I was twenty five so yeah, I’d have to cut my old self some slack.

2) I went for an impromptu hike today at L’Anse au Meadow (family vacation this week at Newfoundland) because the daughter wanted to go up the top to see an iceberg (her Dad gave up midway to the climb). I asked her to take a video of me reaching the summit and I did some comedic-dramatic moves, uploaded it in Instagram with The Sound of Music’s Climb Ev’ry Mountain song and surprisingly the music’s timing went perfectly well with the movements. I’ve been watching it over and over again in awe. I looked so happy and with a beautiful aura - in my Canada sweater, black leggings and runners, and wind blowing my hair. I actually loved how I looked. This was such a good memory because it was just me and my daughter there and I felt she was happy too because she did not hesitate when I asked her to take a selfie of us and a video. She had a genuine smile, I’d climb a mountain anytime to keep that smile.

3) I’ve been trying not be harsh to myself for being so egoistic these past couple of weeks. I had a shocking realization after spending a wonderful afternoon feeling like I was free to experience being alive again and I reacted like dropping a hot potato from my hand. Then I’m now doing mind games with someone who doesn’t deserve it but then again it’s most likely that I am just the one thinking my erratic behaviour has an effect when in fact I am not important to make an effect. The other night I literally had chest pains for overthinking a simple text message which probably was just words lost in translation. Then I’ve been making up these dialogues again in my mind, playing scenarios that would not happen so I am trying my best to prevent my brain from going insane again by reminding myself to be logical, rational, stoic so I could stay on track. I have a journey which the universe has set for me and I should stick to that. I have to pray deeply for help every night now. 

4) Continuing about #3, the approach I’ve been trying to do was to detach but then when I thought the person forgetting me, I start to panic and then I shift to feeling possessive. I am so messed up.

Okay, this is my reminder to be fluffy! Be fluffy! Just be fluffy!