Random Thoughts Dump #2

 Well, I can’t really say these are random but I just have too many thoughts in my mind lately so I need to dump these out:

1) I went back to my first blog and realized that my first entry was a poem I wrote called « The Ghost ». I remembered a skeleton in my closet. I can’t believe now that that started me to blog. The next few entries were still from the closet and then lots more cheesyness, gosh I was so naive back then. I was twenty five so yeah, I’d have to cut my old self some slack.

2) I went for an impromptu hike today at L’Anse au Meadow (family vacation this week at Newfoundland) because the daughter wanted to go up the top to see an iceberg (her Dad gave up midway to the climb). I asked her to take a video of me reaching the summit and I did some comedic-dramatic moves, uploaded it in Instagram with The Sound of Music’s Climb Ev’ry Mountain song and surprisingly the music’s timing went perfectly well with the movements. I’ve been watching it over and over again in awe. I looked so happy and with a beautiful aura - in my Canada sweater, black leggings and runners, and wind blowing my hair. I actually loved how I looked. This was such a good memory because it was just me and my daughter there and I felt she was happy too because she did not hesitate when I asked her to take a selfie of us and a video. She had a genuine smile, I’d climb a mountain anytime to keep that smile.

3) I’ve been trying not be harsh to myself for being so egoistic these past couple of weeks. I had a shocking realization after spending a wonderful afternoon feeling like I was free to experience being alive again and I reacted like dropping a hot potato from my hand. Then I’m now doing mind games with someone who doesn’t deserve it but then again it’s most likely that I am just the one thinking my erratic behaviour has an effect when in fact I am not important to make an effect. The other night I literally had chest pains for overthinking a simple text message which probably was just words lost in translation. Then I’ve been making up these dialogues again in my mind, playing scenarios that would not happen so I am trying my best to prevent my brain from going insane again by reminding myself to be logical, rational, stoic so I could stay on track. I have a journey which the universe has set for me and I should stick to that. I have to pray deeply for help every night now. 

4) Continuing about #3, the approach I’ve been trying to do was to detach but then when I thought the person forgetting me, I start to panic and then I shift to feeling possessive. I am so messed up.

Okay, this is my reminder to be fluffy! Be fluffy! Just be fluffy!