When altruism does not work

Yesterday it dawned on me what I've been doing wrong in my approach to new friendships -- I have been altruistic. I know it's ironic...you'd think having a sincere motive to help would make you feel appreciated but apparently it is not, at least in my case it did not. I realized that me trying to be of help is what actually gets me in trouble -- in my sincere intention to make a difference in someone's life, inspire them to be better, it's my heart that gets broken when it does not happen. I realize now that I have no power to do that, because really it is up to the person to bring themselves up. They don't actually need me, so why do I keep selling myself? I need to have some dignity back for myself. I don't need their appreciation to feel validated.

It makes me sad to conclude a friendship journey since I always hope it would develop into a long term relationship to keep. But I have to accept the reality that it always is 50-50, it just so happens that the probability of it being on the negative half is higher. 

The point is, I choose myself first. I don't need another baggage to carry in life. I need people who will bring me up with them instead. And if in the process, those that cross my path feel inspired from knowing me, then I will be thankful and I will be a good friend.

Yesterday, I said goodbye to someone who didn't know I was going away. But then again, why am I being dramatic about this still? It doesn't matter anyways.

There goes the sign I asked for

 At my meditation retreat today I prayed for a sign on whether I should continue holding on to a friendship that I have been finding difficult to nurture and I think I got the answer tonight. In the beginning yes I screwed up the development of it because of my unstable mind, but I got it sorted out with myself eventually so I tried to make up for it already and start anew. But it still feels like I'm pushing a boulder up a hill. It doesn't feel right anymore and worse is that I still question myself if perhaps I'm the one being immature and dramatic about this. Last night I even had a nightmare about tomorrow. I don't feel like meeting up tomorrow and yet I still gave it chance and it failed the test. So now I still have to face tomorrow and do my act of pretension so I can discreetly end this suffering. Well, I just wish I would do well with my charade so I could at least have some dignity for myself.

In the dhamma talk today, the bhante said that what makes us hold on to anger to another person is the thinking of "He has defeated me" and that is so true because that is how I feel right now. So I have to let go of this thinking so I could let go of this anger. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be affected by this person anymore. Tomorrow this ends.