Where art thou Perimenoposal femmes

 There's this meme in Instagram that truly resonated with me: 

"Being in your 40s is weird. You're the youngest of the old people and the oldest of the young people. We are the middle child of adults."

In my social activities, I find that I'm either with young people in their 20s and 30s or seniors in their 60s and 70s. I've been wondering, where are the people in their 40s and 50s? Do they only socialize with their family? 

I've been longing to have friends I can regularly hang out with who are close to my age and family status (i.e. married and with a teenage kids). It would really be nice to have someone whom I can talk to and will understand life as a spouse and a parent navigating mid-life. I do have a couple friends right now who fit the criteria but it seems they are quite occupied by their family life and the most they could give their time for friends like me would be once every couple of months.

I would really appreciate to have someone who would message me regularly to check on me or even just say hello and wish me a good day/week and vice versa. Then also that I know that someone would make time for me if I do need to have a face to face meetup, even on short notice. 

I've been praying, wishing and hoping...and waiting.

What have I just done?!

It's been toying in my mind for some days and today I finally did it.

I dug up an old memory and provoked it.

Why I did it, you ask? 

I just want to have interesting conversations, perhaps relive the self confidence of my young self.

Perhaps it was because last night I dreamt of an encounter. I was my current self and I met a man, who looked like an actor I had a crush with when I was a teen. We interacted, and then the next scene I turned into a young woman who emerged from a cave, her face had this big smile and an aura of satisfaction. She was wearing a black blouse, it was white before that. I wasn't her anymore, I think, because I didn't feel what she experienced and I could only deduce what she did from my perspective as an observer. Her look made a lot of sense if I was right.

I already regret what I have done as soon as I've hit that send button. I cannot undo it.

Going pro on Meditation

 Last Sunday I went ro the one hour meditation. I arrived exactly at 4pm start time to which I realized that they started because everyone already had their eyes closed  

I thought maybe the schedule changed and it started at 3:30?

Anyway, so I quickly seated myself and closed my eyes. We did the usual - breathing meditation and then loving kindness meditation. Then the Bante (monk) said we’re done and I was so surprised because I felt like it had been only 30 minutes but when I looked at the time it was 5:01pm! Time felt fast, so different from the last time. I wanted it to be longer…I wanted to stay some more…

Nevertheless, I am amazed that now one hour of meditation for me is almost effortless. I guess this is what happens after one year of meditation practice, which I guess is how it’s supposed to be? I hope so. 

Self validation and having an angel

 The other day I learned of news that shocked me and reminded me again that I have a guardian angel who clearly intervened that time and steered me away from going to the dark side. 

I also felt good (relieved, if I may say) to realize that I was not just imagining this fantasy in my head. My instincts were right all along and I should really be nice to myself and stop telling myself that I am undesirable at this stage of my life.

If my guardian angel did not do anything that time, I was the perfect recipe for disaster, with me being at a very vulnerable state. I cannot imagine the downward spiral it would have brought my life to, I would probably have gone insane with the consequence to the affected lives brought about by my actions.

Feeling this invisible force determining my fate reminds me of what Arundhati Roy said in her memoir, that even with the bad choices of actions she's done (e.g. taking illegal drugs) she somehow still ended up going on a straight path. I'm hoping that's how my path would also be, that I will still find the happiness that I am meant to be.

Equilibrium

 I've been meaning to write about this because it is an important memory that will be helpful for me to use as an anchor:

Last week, Wednesday, was an ideal day - I felt so confident with myself even at the start of my day and I felt mentally and emotionally stable and secure. I was on the right mindset that "I don't have to be scared of being rejected or feeling unimportant because I am a good person who genuinely wants to help and give my friendship and I don't need validation from anyone", well, something like that. Then I had lunch with an ex-colleague and that catch-up was such a clear vindication from a hurtful experience from my previous job. The confidence probably was partly because of Monday's missed call and then even reinforced by the Wednesday lunch meet.

In short, I felt like I was in tune with what the universe wants me to feel and I manifested it.

That is the state that I want to hold on and I wish I could get into that again because today I am starting to feel like being shaken again. I am overthinking things again. So I need to go back to that Wednesday's me. I do think I can learn to do that and that's why I'm writing it down now to remind me that I need to listen to the universe to keep connected to what is meant for me to do.