Can't Expedite Wisdom

 In today's age where almost everything is instant and on-demand, even biological happenings like forming human life, there is one thing that can only be achieved through a certain passing of time and experience: wisdom. I should say your level of maturity is based on how much wisdom you have gained.

For example, one of my favourite quotes is this:

             "When given a choice between being right and being kind, chose kind"  - Dr. Wayne Dyer

It takes a lot of self actualization and humility to adhere to this. For the youth and young adults who are still on their journey of discovering themselves, I can't really expect them to live this saying, unless, for some divine reason, they have an old soul.

So yes, I have to constantly remind myself this, to calm down my insecurities and need for appreciation. I am trying not to overthink this and I should just accept that this is part of my life's journey as a consequence of the choices I have made along the way in tandem with what the universe's plans for me based on my past life.

Yet with this knowledge, I still struggle and feel tired. The only thing I can do is pray and manifest for motivation to keep going since I don't know when this cycle ends and a new (and hopefully better) one begins.

I have no choice but to keep standing still as I receive the stabs.

Apocalypse theme song

 I have a new song that I've been obsessing lately: Sign of the Times by Harry Styles.

It was the song in the movie Project Hail Mary which the lady-boss character, Eva Stratt, sang in the karaoke party at NASA. The actress who played this character, Sandra Hüller, really did well in portraying this character. Even more, she was the one who chose this song. Of course, I'd give credit to Ryan Gosling too who had the idea to add this karaoke scene in the movie (it wasn't in the script). I mean, if the world was coming to an end and you were the last hope of saving it, there's nothing scarier than that so if I was in that circumstance, I definitely would indeed go sing my heart out on karaoke in public even if it is one of my greatest fears (as I tell people, I'd chose public speaking anytime over singing solo in public).

Since I am in the GenX-Millenial generation, my favourite songs have mostly been from my teenage to early adulthood years, so that's about the late 90s to early 2000s. After moving to Winterpeg twelve years ago, my exposure to current music has pretty much become limited, add that I was raising a child so my music repertoire were all about kids' shows (Paw Patrol and Barney theme songs, hello?). Anyways, there had been one song here and there from the past decade that struck me, but more from artists my generation. Last year though, I have started to open up myself to listening to music from artists whom I could have given birth to. I actually thought this song was an older song until I looked it up and realized it was an original by Harry Styles. Well, ok he might not be young enough to be my son by social standards since I am only 15 years older than him but technically I could already get pregnant at that age, lol.

Ok so, yes, I have been playing this song over and over again for the past week already. I'm looking forward to discovering and falling in love to more songs. Thank you to songwriters who still write meaningful and poetic songs instead of all those trashy songs that are so superficial and nonsensical.

Stuck with cortisol

It's been two and a half years now that I've been practicing hot yoga at least once a week and then last year I added regular yoga and zumba once a week which, as you can see, made me do a regular workout three days in a week. This year, I've even added a once a week strength training class so that brings me to four workout days in a week.

And yet, my waistline seems to be retaining its bulge and sometimes I think my belly is even getting fatter! I have not dared use a tape measure to validate my hypothesis.

There are studies that apparently show that high cortisol levels are linked to having fats and that for women, these cortisol goes to the belly, hence the belly fat! Is that what's happening to me that's why even with all these exercise regimes I am still stuck with this built-in swim ring around my body???

But I've been doing meditation too and doing my best to be calm and just be chill. But then again, today I snapped...so I am here now at the library trying to defuse the tension on my nerves.

Okay, I need to remember to be kind to myself so here's my kind words: I do think I have been growing and learning to handle my life now with more wisdom and serenity and it is just normal that there will be times like this that I will lose my cool but I will know how to snap out of it and return my patience back. See, I think I now feel better already, just need to do some deep breaths...

Is this a turning point again?

 Much as I wanted to have my first blog of the year to be in a positive tone, the timing and emotion combination unfortunately was triggered by something that ticks me off.

I am a person who adheres to rules, laws and follows directions and logic. So when I make a move or decision based on the instructions and facts I was given and then I'd be responded to like what I did was dumb or did not make sense, it really boils up my blood pressure. And I wish I knew how to give a witty come back to let that person know my defense but oftentimes I'd just be so taken aback from the circumstance that I'd end up just being quiet. It's my way of calming my emotions and be the "bigger person" so as not to escalate it to an argument or conflict. But then at the back of my mind, I think that the person does not learn their lesson and thus gets tolerated and continue to be someone who makes others feel like they were in the ones in the wrong.

Anyways, I know I am just full of emotions right now so I have to let this simmer down. Again, be the bigger person, be stoic, be logical. I should not let my insecurity preside. I should be confident because I know I was just doing the right action.

Woosah.

P.S.      I just remembered that the thought I should tell myself in this situation is Wayne Dyer's words: "When you have the choice between being right and being kind, just choose kind."

My deepest fear indeed!

For our family movie night yesterday at home (on a blizzard day!), we watched Akeelah and the Bee (thanks to the library for having it on DVD!) which was an excellent film that's perfect for tweens and young teens.

There was a quote there on a frame that was on the wall that Dr. Larabee asked Akeelah to read. It was so beautiful and powerful. They didn't mention who wrote that poem, I wish they did to give due credit to the author! I looked it up and posting it here because it resonated so much to me and it hit me like a cold but sweet water on the face:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"

Taken from: https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/17297.Marianne_Williamson

My calm down songs

There is this one song that sure relaxes me so I have been playing it when I start feeling anxious or restless:

Fields of Gold by Sting

Actually, there's another one and I interchange them:

Shape of My Heart by Sting

Why do they relax me? I guess because it brings me back to my memory of my early twenties when I was starting to discover my identity as a single, independent career woman. I received the CD album with these songs* from our office Secret Santa gift exchange one Christmas season. It turned out that my Secret Santa was my co-worker guy I secretly had a mild crush on. I found him handsome but I knew it would not go anywhere since he had a girlfriend, I was not his type and he was not a humble man. You'd think we could have had a cute falling-for-each-other story since we had that moment together in Ireland for a work assignment. Our team take turns being assigned there - I was there first and he was next so we had an overlap. I picked him up from the airport (even if I was feeling under the weather and the bus driver was rude, ugh) and I even cooked him my special fried chicken recipe which he found delicious. But then really that's as much memory as I could remember with him because he just kept to himself after that for the few weeks that we were there together.

*Correction: The song Shape of My Heart was actually not in the same CD album I received. The CD album I received was "Fields of Gold: The Best of Sting 1984 -1994" and I remember now that I was actually a little disappointed that time when I discovered this song was not in that album.

Another Self Hug

This is not really a good way to start the day and not really a good way to start the month but here I am early in the morning with tears on my face.

I have my faults, I know and very much recognize that I've made bad decisions, but I've always been generally still on a straight path and I've always had good intentions. Yet, I still end up saying the wrong things and I end up receiving consequences for those little mistakes. I'd like to scream it is not fair but if there's anything I've learned over my adulthood and that was highly emphasized this year, is that there's no point complaining since it does not change my circumstance. It's a fact that this me, this drama, is the story of my life and I just have to live it. I see myself as the victim but nobody else does and on the contrary my reputation has been the opposite, therefore I can only conclude that it is me who is defective.

But another thing I've learned is that however broken I am, I should love myself for who I am, with all my flaws and eccentricities. I should appreciate myself all the more since I feel that nobody else does. I am special, I am a good person and I want the world to be a better place. I've always had this thought that I have an impending purpose in making a big difference to make an impact for the greater good, I still don't know how it is nor how it will happen...I am already in my mid-life so perhaps this is all there is.

Deep breath. I am fine, I am alright. I can do this.