When altruism does not work

Yesterday it dawned on me what I've been doing wrong in my approach to new friendships -- I have been altruistic. I know it's ironic...you'd think having a sincere motive to help would make you feel appreciated but apparently it is not, at least in my case it did not. I realized that me trying to be of help is what actually gets me in trouble -- in my sincere intention to make a difference in someone's life, inspire them to be better, it's my heart that gets broken when it does not happen. I realize now that I have no power to do that, because really it is up to the person to bring themselves up. They don't actually need me, so why do I keep selling myself? I need to have some dignity back for myself. I don't need their appreciation to feel validated.

It makes me sad to conclude a friendship journey since I always hope it would develop into a long term relationship to keep. But I have to accept the reality that it always is 50-50, it just so happens that the probability of it being on the negative half is higher. 

The point is, I choose myself first. I don't need another baggage to carry in life. I need people who will bring me up with them instead. And if in the process, those that cross my path feel inspired from knowing me, then I will be thankful and I will be a good friend.

Yesterday, I said goodbye to someone who didn't know I was going away. But then again, why am I being dramatic about this still? It doesn't matter anyways.

There goes the sign I asked for

 At my meditation retreat today I prayed for a sign on whether I should continue holding on to a friendship that I have been finding difficult to nurture and I think I got the answer tonight. In the beginning yes I screwed up the development of it because of my unstable mind, but I got it sorted out with myself eventually so I tried to make up for it already and start anew. But it still feels like I'm pushing a boulder up a hill. It doesn't feel right anymore and worse is that I still question myself if perhaps I'm the one being immature and dramatic about this. Last night I even had a nightmare about tomorrow. I don't feel like meeting up tomorrow and yet I still gave it chance and it failed the test. So now I still have to face tomorrow and do my act of pretension so I can discreetly end this suffering. Well, I just wish I would do well with my charade so I could at least have some dignity for myself.

In the dhamma talk today, the bhante said that what makes us hold on to anger to another person is the thinking of "He has defeated me" and that is so true because that is how I feel right now. So I have to let go of this thinking so I could let go of this anger. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be affected by this person anymore. Tomorrow this ends. 

Where art thou Perimenoposal femmes

 There's this meme in Instagram that truly resonated with me: 

"Being in your 40s is weird. You're the youngest of the old people and the oldest of the young people. We are the middle child of adults."

In my social activities, I find that I'm either with young people in their 20s and 30s or seniors in their 60s and 70s. I've been wondering, where are the people in their 40s and 50s? Do they only socialize with their family? 

I've been longing to have friends I can regularly hang out with who are close to my age and family status (i.e. married and with a teenage kids). It would really be nice to have someone whom I can talk to and will understand life as a spouse and a parent navigating mid-life. I do have a couple friends right now who fit the criteria but it seems they are quite occupied by their family life and the most they could give their time for friends like me would be once every couple of months.

I would really appreciate to have someone who would message me regularly to check on me or even just say hello and wish me a good day/week and vice versa. Then also that I know that someone would make time for me if I do need to have a face to face meetup, even on short notice. 

I've been praying, wishing and hoping...and waiting.

What have I just done?!

It's been toying in my mind for some days and today I finally did it.

I dug up an old memory and provoked it.

Why I did it, you ask? 

I just want to have interesting conversations, perhaps relive the self confidence of my young self.

Perhaps it was because last night I dreamt of an encounter. I was my current self and I met a man, who looked like an actor I had a crush with when I was a teen. We interacted, and then the next scene I turned into a young woman who emerged from a cave, her face had this big smile and an aura of satisfaction. She was wearing a black blouse, it was white before that. I wasn't her anymore, I think, because I didn't feel what she experienced and I could only deduce what she did from my perspective as an observer. Her look made a lot of sense if I was right.

I already regret what I have done as soon as I've hit that send button. I cannot undo it.

Going pro on Meditation

 Last Sunday I went ro the one hour meditation. I arrived exactly at 4pm start time to which I realized that they started because everyone already had their eyes closed  

I thought maybe the schedule changed and it started at 3:30?

Anyway, so I quickly seated myself and closed my eyes. We did the usual - breathing meditation and then loving kindness meditation. Then the Bante (monk) said we’re done and I was so surprised because I felt like it had been only 30 minutes but when I looked at the time it was 5:01pm! Time felt fast, so different from the last time. I wanted it to be longer…I wanted to stay some more…

Nevertheless, I am amazed that now one hour of meditation for me is almost effortless. I guess this is what happens after one year of meditation practice, which I guess is how it’s supposed to be? I hope so. 

Self validation and having an angel

 The other day I learned of news that shocked me and reminded me again that I have a guardian angel who clearly intervened that time and steered me away from going to the dark side. 

I also felt good (relieved, if I may say) to realize that I was not just imagining this fantasy in my head. My instincts were right all along and I should really be nice to myself and stop telling myself that I am undesirable at this stage of my life.

If my guardian angel did not do anything that time, I was the perfect recipe for disaster, with me being at a very vulnerable state. I cannot imagine the downward spiral it would have brought my life to, I would probably have gone insane with the consequence to the affected lives brought about by my actions.

Feeling this invisible force determining my fate reminds me of what Arundhati Roy said in her memoir, that even with the bad choices of actions she's done (e.g. taking illegal drugs) she somehow still ended up going on a straight path. I'm hoping that's how my path would also be, that I will still find the happiness that I am meant to be.

Equilibrium

 I've been meaning to write about this because it is an important memory that will be helpful for me to use as an anchor:

Last week, Wednesday, was an ideal day - I felt so confident with myself even at the start of my day and I felt mentally and emotionally stable and secure. I was on the right mindset that "I don't have to be scared of being rejected or feeling unimportant because I am a good person who genuinely wants to help and give my friendship and I don't need validation from anyone", well, something like that. Then I had lunch with an ex-colleague and that catch-up was such a clear vindication from a hurtful experience from my previous job. The confidence probably was partly because of Monday's missed call and then even reinforced by the Wednesday lunch meet.

In short, I felt like I was in tune with what the universe wants me to feel and I manifested it.

That is the state that I want to hold on and I wish I could get into that again because today I am starting to feel like being shaken again. I am overthinking things again. So I need to go back to that Wednesday's me. I do think I can learn to do that and that's why I'm writing it down now to remind me that I need to listen to the universe to keep connected to what is meant for me to do.