Humility is the new sexy

There is one big realization that dawned on me (well, more like thrown in my face) from the crazy year I've been having: 

Humility is the highest indicator of self confidence.

While I already knew that being obnoxious and vain are obvious masks of insecurity, I am thinking about that subtle façade that actually deceived me.

There's this personality of being laid back and just cool, that demeanor of light and easy going. It's that walk that says "I am happy being myself" without being rude nor boisterous, it even comes out cute actually. It was a trait that I found quite attractive, a match to my strong-willed, independent personality. But apparently, this could also be an effective cover to hide insecurity by pretending that nothing's wrong and acting indifferent. It's not doing anything active to hurt, rather, it does passive-aggressive. No apologies are given since there was no bad intention.

Pride (the unhealthy type, that is) is what fuels the justification to admit fallibility. 

To accept that you have flaws that could have a detrimental effect on others without you intending it to be is humility. And I am not referring to self-pity, that is not at all humility. There is a big difference between being humble and belittling yourself.

If you're confident with yourself, you know that you are naturally going to err, just like anybody else, no matter if you're doing your best. To recognize that you can make mistakes and that you can fail, hence, you take the responsibility that you can offend or hurt somebody, unintentionally and you apologize for it, is, for me, the epitome of humility. 

Your intention is not the determinant. What matters is the consequence of your action. If you unintentionally brought someone down, the best way to help them up is to go down from your pedestal, be on your knees to lift them up.

So there, that's what I learned. I do not know if I would find myself in a situation where I'd witness humility that would stop me in my tracks, now that I have decided that I am walking on a journey to a solitary life. Perhaps, in my next life. 

Personalized meditation mantra

Today I went to a Buddhist retreat for the second time. Just like the first time I went, we did the Loving Kindness Meditation, one in the morning in a sitting position and one in the afternoon on a walking meditation.

During my meditations, I felt inspired to create my own meditation text which complements the Loving Kindness Meditation on a perspective for my own manifestation:

I am kind.

I am not angry.

I do not hold grudges.

I am calm.

I cultivate peace.

The last part of the retreat, the Bhante asked us what we have observed amongst us participants of the retreats, "what do you think was present amongst you?", the Bhante said. Since we were a small group, I decided to "talk-participate" and said "peaceful energy". To my surprise, it was exactly what the Bhante was looking for since it became the segway to his teaching about the ultimate goal that is peace. 

I am truly amazed that my self-composed meditation text coincided with the today's teaching, it feels indeed that it is the result of the divine energy that came out from today's solemn retreat. 

Sadhu!

Disappointingly absurb

 I am flabbergasted by how in my conscious effort to be altruistic and kind, the return I had was to be looked down upon and get insulted. I could be very angry, I have the right to be, but I chose not to. It is sadness that I am allowing to prevail because I choose to still be kind. It shocked me to realize that a person I thought was kind and empathic and who understood me actually do not. Worse, I could even feel their strong negative rejection of my being because they had too much pride.

I am trying to be as understanding as I could but there are lines that cannot be crossed, and it has been crossed twice now. If there was even a consideration of my feelings, there would at least be some humility that could take over and would let me win this disagreement, or at least end the argument with sympathy. But here I am still trying my best to find any excuse to remind myself that their intention was to help, it was just the delivery that lacked sensitivity and respect. Am I being given the same benefit of the doubt?

I prayed three days ago for guidance to stop my insanity from starting up again. Last night, I thanked God for bringing clarity to me, despite the way it was given to me through a painful emotional attack. I can now put the final nail in the coffin to seal and bury a mystery which now I know would no longer be a fantasy I would be interested to decrypt. 

I am quite tempted to go to self-pity now and question fate why I am being given all these burdens to carry, as if I’m deserving of heavy punishments while all my life I have been taking the pious path. I am going to try my best to neutralize this emotion and be stoic about this. 

Bulletproofing with altruism

 Just when I thought I got my insanity under control, I was given a difficult test. Today I ended up doing something that I had been trying to avoid because it triggers these dialogues in my head. 

A few months ago, I did a daring life altering decision thinking that it would lead me to the happiness I’ve been longing. But fate strongly intervened and made it very clear that I was not allowed to proceed with it. I felt like a teenager who attempted to run away from home but was caught in time by my parents. I was made to realize in a very clear way that finding my happiness is not worth the creating collateral damage to other people. My life now is not about me anymore. I had made decisions over the past two decades that were perpetually binding, made a vow and birthed an offspring. 

After that experience, I am now very well aware that I have to abide by fate. It takes a lot of my will power to resist what my impulse wants, lots of suppression and conviction of thoughts. I even tried the saintly approach but no surprise there, I am just an ordinary human, who was I kidding.

I have two nights to bulletproof myself and prepare to face the firing squad. I thought fate agreed with me that I would be able to avoid being in this scenario by not helping make it happen. But then I was reminded that I cannot be selfish and I need to sacrifice. I made contact, in full hopes that it would just be symbolic, but I received the reply that I did not expect. There’s still time though, maybe it will still not happen…but then again if it does not, then the consequence to my offspring would be sadness. 

I leave it up to you, fate. I will prepare to brace myself for anything because, really, I have no idea what your plan is.