Is this a turning point again?

 Much as I wanted to have my first blog of the year to be in a positive tone, the timing and emotion combination unfortunately was triggered by something that ticks me off.

I am a person who adheres to rules, laws and follows directions and logic. So when I make a move or decision based on the instructions and facts I was given and then I'd be responded to like what I did was dumb or did not make sense, it really boils up my blood pressure. And I wish I knew how to give a witty come back to let that person know my defense but oftentimes I'd just be so taken aback from the circumstance that I'd end up just being quiet. It's my way of calming my emotions and be the "bigger person" so as not to escalate it to an argument or conflict. But then at the back of my mind, I think that the person does not learn their lesson and thus gets tolerated and continue to be someone who makes others feel like they were in the ones in the wrong.

Anyways, I know I am just full of emotions right now so I have to let this simmer down. Again, be the bigger person, be stoic, be logical. I should not let my insecurity preside. I should be confident because I know I was just doing the right action.

Woosah.

P.S.      I just remembered that the thought I should tell myself in this situation is Wayne Dyer's words: "When you have the choice between being right and being kind, just choose kind."

My deepest fear indeed!

For our family movie night yesterday at home (on a blizzard day!), we watched Akeelah and the Bee (thanks to the library for having it on DVD!) which was an excellent film that's perfect for tweens and young teens.

There was a quote there on a frame that was on the wall that Dr. Larabee asked Akeelah to read. It was so beautiful and powerful. They didn't mention who wrote that poem, I wish they did to give due credit to the author! I looked it up and posting it here because it resonated so much to me and it hit me like a cold but sweet water on the face:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"

Taken from: https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/17297.Marianne_Williamson

My calm down songs

There is this one song that sure relaxes me so I have been playing it when I start feeling anxious or restless:

Fields of Gold by Sting

Actually, there's another one and I interchange them:

Shape of My Heart by Sting

Why do they relax me? I guess because it brings me back to my memory of my early twenties when I was starting to discover my identity as a single, independent career woman. I received the CD album with these songs* from our office Secret Santa gift exchange one Christmas season. It turned out that my Secret Santa was my co-worker guy I secretly had a mild crush on. I found him handsome but I knew it would not go anywhere since he had a girlfriend, I was not his type and he was not a humble man. You'd think we could have had a cute falling-for-each-other story since we had that moment together in Ireland for a work assignment. Our team take turns being assigned there - I was there first and he was next so we had an overlap. I picked him up from the airport (even if I was feeling under the weather and the bus driver was rude, ugh) and I even cooked him my special fried chicken recipe which he found delicious. But then really that's as much memory as I could remember with him because he just kept to himself after that for the few weeks that we were there together.

*Correction: The song Shape of My Heart was actually not in the same CD album I received. The CD album I received was "Fields of Gold: The Best of Sting 1984 -1994" and I remember now that I was actually a little disappointed that time when I discovered this song was not in that album.

Another Self Hug

This is not really a good way to start the day and not really a good way to start the month but here I am early in the morning with tears on my face.

I have my faults, I know and very much recognize that I've made bad decisions, but I've always been generally still on a straight path and I've always had good intentions. Yet, I still end up saying the wrong things and I end up receiving consequences for those little mistakes. I'd like to scream it is not fair but if there's anything I've learned over my adulthood and that was highly emphasized this year, is that there's no point complaining since it does not change my circumstance. It's a fact that this me, this drama, is the story of my life and I just have to live it. I see myself as the victim but nobody else does and on the contrary my reputation has been the opposite, therefore I can only conclude that it is me who is defective.

But another thing I've learned is that however broken I am, I should love myself for who I am, with all my flaws and eccentricities. I should appreciate myself all the more since I feel that nobody else does. I am special, I am a good person and I want the world to be a better place. I've always had this thought that I have an impending purpose in making a big difference to make an impact for the greater good, I still don't know how it is nor how it will happen...I am already in my mid-life so perhaps this is all there is.

Deep breath. I am fine, I am alright. I can do this.

I'm giving myself a hug

 I had been floating on the river of life for the past months, I thought that was the approach to do. At the back of my mind, a voice had been telling me it was not sustainable, it will not hold, but I didn't listen.

Indeed, two weeks ago I had the most serious wake up call of my life that clearly told me to actively swim, thread the waters, see, feel and experience...breathe. I've underestimated the collateral damage my actions had resulted to, and while it is very tempting for me to blame and hate myself I know that that will just make things worse. It was a test of self compassion, of learning how to love one's self even if your mind is telling you how much you screwed up. It is also about realizing that we have an obligation to live meaningful lives, not just for our own sake but for the next generation we will be leaving on this earth. While there may be a next life time, we are still in this one and we should not lose hope that we could still make it a happy walk even if it was not how we dreamed of our journey to be.

I've learned a hard lesson and I'm taking it to heart in a kind way. I am thankful even if it terribly hurt and I am still battling the paranoia it has brought, because it made me grow and gain wisdom. My understanding of life has broadened once again and I can see things I've never seen before. We have the power to rewrite the next chapters in a new version, there is no one absolute correct path, there's plenty of roads and each one has something to offer and it is up to us to appreciate what these are.

Malady vs. me

 I've been stricken by this virus which has halted me from my active tempo.

It's been three days now and I hate it - started with a mild sore throat which progressed into colds and I thought that was it but then the headache came and the body chills.

So, no exercise since Thursday. I miss my hot yoga classes, I miss my routine. I feel restless to be confined to house arrest, reading a pointless book for the new book club I've joined for next week.

May this be completely over tonight. Come on, antibodies, win this battle and end it today, please!

Random thoughts dump # 1

 There are a few things in my head I've been meaning to write about but can't really compose one whole entry for each one of them. Hence, I am going to start this thoughts dumping entries! (Work smarter, not harder 😉)

1)       I love that the yoga studio I regularly go to smells like pizza. I've been wondering if I've just been imagining that it is actually pizza smell 🍕 or just a combination of their cleaning materials and what nots. Last week after class, I realized that it's because the smell is from the pizza shop at the back of the studio since they are connected in the same building! Duh! Took me two years to realize this?!? LOL 😆

2)      During my hot yoga class, our yoga teacher said "Yoga does not get easier, you are getting stronger."  Wow, that was such an excellent way of shifting perspective! It felt so encouraging. Indeed, it is not the poses and movements that change, these are constant, so what makes it feel easier and easier the longer you practice is because you get stronger! So, now I can confidently say that I am stronger than before, awesome! 💪

3)     A few weeks ago, while gardening on our front yard, I decided to harvest the seeds of the Wild Iris (Scientific name: Iris versicola) plants. The seeds were in the pods which was what the flowers become after they've dried up. Last year I've been wondering what were the seeds I've been seeing on the soil. It looked like those Thai tamarind candy pellets. After opening the pods did I realize did I realize that these were the wild iris seeds! Duh! Why did I not even think of that?!?  ⚘💜