My calm down songs

There is this one song that sure relaxes me so I have been playing it when I start feeling anxious or restless:

Fields of Gold by Sting

Actually, there's another one and I interchange them:

Shape of My Heart by Sting

Why do they relax me? I guess because it brings me back to my memory of my early twenties when I was starting to discover my identity as a single, independent career woman. I received the CD album with these songs* from our office Secret Santa gift exchange one Christmas season. It turned out that my Secret Santa was my co-worker guy I secretly had a mild crush on. I found him handsome but I knew it would not go anywhere since he had a girlfriend, I was not his type and he was not a humble man. You'd think we could have had a cute falling-for-each-other story since we had that moment together in Ireland for a work assignment. Our team take turns being assigned there - I was there first and he was next so we had an overlap. I picked him up from the airport (even if I was feeling under the weather and the bus driver was rude, ugh) and I even cooked him my special fried chicken recipe which he found delicious. But then really that's as much memory as I could remember with him because he just kept to himself after that for the few weeks that we were there together.

*Correction: The song Shape of My Heart was actually not in the same CD album I received. The CD album I received was "Fields of Gold: The Best of Sting 1984 -1994" and I remember now that I was actually a little disappointed that time when I discovered this song was not in that album.

Another Self Hug

This is not really a good way to start the day and not really a good way to start the month but here I am early in the morning with tears on my face.

I have my faults, I know and very much recognize that I've made bad decisions, but I've always been generally still on a straight path and I've always had good intentions. Yet, I still end up saying the wrong things and I end up receiving consequences for those little mistakes. I'd like to scream it is not fair but if there's anything I've learned over my adulthood and that was highly emphasized this year, is that there's no point complaining since it does not change my circumstance. It's a fact that this me, this drama, is the story of my life and I just have to live it. I see myself as the victim but nobody else does and on the contrary my reputation has been the opposite, therefore I can only conclude that it is me who is defective.

But another thing I've learned is that however broken I am, I should love myself for who I am, with all my flaws and eccentricities. I should appreciate myself all the more since I feel that nobody else does. I am special, I am a good person and I want the world to be a better place. I've always had this thought that I have an impending purpose in making a big difference to make an impact for the greater good, I still don't know how it is nor how it will happen...I am already in my mid-life so perhaps this is all there is.

Deep breath. I am fine, I am alright. I can do this.